This has been a year of firsts for me. A year of firsts without my sweet husband by my side. Everything is different. I don't anything the way I did a year ago. I think, part of it, is self preservation. Part of it, is just learning to live.
A year ago I had no idea what I liked. If you asked what was for dinner, I would call my husband and ask what he wanted to eat. If you asked what my favorite color was, I would say blue, just because. It amazes me to think about how little I really knew myself. No wonder, so many day to day functions actually scared me. I absolutely could not function properly in Wal-Mart. Would not, go to any restaurant alone. Could not, think about making a single decision without someone's approval.
I'm getting better now. This is a slow process. But, I'm liking what I see. I'm liking who I am. I'm liking the choices I'm making. Actually, I am falling in love with myself. It's a great feeling. I've always been a giver, a caretaker, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, etc. I've always taken those "roles" seriously. I still do. However, along with those roles, I'm also just me.
I do like blue but I also like other colors. I prefer sparkling water. I would rather eat fish than red meat. I love cool weather. I love to sleep with a cool breeze blowing against my face. I love early mornings and late nights. My music changes daily, and I love that. I love to travel, alone! I love to spend quiet sunsets on the beach, eating appetizers and drinking rum runners! I hate a dirty kitchen. I love comfortable clothing, flat shoes and no makeup. I love beautiful dresses, high heels and red lipstick. I love scarves and sweaters. My favorite face makup is Dior Flash. My favorite lipstick is Mac - Twig. I love animals, sweet people and my dogs. I adore my children. I am blessed with my family. I had the greatest love a girl could wish for in a lifetime. I love GOD.
I flew to Las Vegas last week. I left at 4pm. Went to a party for a photography Studio ATG. Then flew home at 9:30 p.m. Totally out of my box. I loved it. I had a great time. It was a little overwhelming. It was a little scary. It was a lot different for me. It was Good! I'm flying to So. California Thursday. I'll be spending time with my amazing motherand father-in-law, sister-in-law and niece. It will be the first time staying with them without my husband. Another first. But, I am prepared. I am excited. I am looking forward to it.
I am learning to Love me. I recommend it highly. It is giving me freedom of heart. I know a lot of people who say they love themselves. Hell, I use to. But, to really love yourself, to put yourself first. To place yourself on a pedestal, so to speak. Appreciate who you are and what you have become in your life. It is so liberating. I can honestly say, that the more I find out about myself, the more I like who I see.
I'm hoping that someday, I can grow enough, believe enough, love enough to touch someone's heart. To break their barrier. To teach them to love themself. To show them GOD. To ease someone's pain. To share this joy I am finding.
Maybe then I will have found what it means to be content.